K, so remember how I said that I was here to blog?

I lied.

I apologize (I know I'm forever moving around) but I would love it if you'd come read me over on LJ, where I am now.  However, it's friends only (but everyone has an LJ account, even just to read their friend's entries, right?)

I promise this will be more permanent. 

Before I get lazy today, I wanted to post that I do have my sweater yarn.  I'd been wanting to make something for myself, now that I could make things other than scarves.  But what to make?  Restricted by patterns and yarn budget, plus the climate way down here, I wasn't really sure what I could make.  But, I'd had my eye on the Central Park Hoodie for quite some time, and I decided to take the plunge.  After many closings of the website with the yarn (and clearly, second thoughts) I bought the yarn.  $90 worth of yarn.  It was pretty scary spending that much on one project, that I may or may not knit correctly, for me. 

And it arrived yesterday, and it is beautiful.

Malabrigo Merino Worsted Tortuga

I love it.  It's lovely and soft and the color is actually what was represented in the picture.  I purchased this from Eat, Sleep, Knit and they even sent a cute little scratch-off card.  Sadly, I didn't win anything.  But!  The quick delivery and cute lotto card/ruler I got will ensure another order.  The little extras do add up!

However, I am not looking forward to having to ball all this yarn.  2016 yards is a lot to ball by hand, since I haven't been able to get a ball winder yet.  Sigh.  I guess it's just as well, since the needles haven't gotten here, but .... I don't wanna!

Since I had the minor crisis of the needle-snapping, I had to go into town and buy new needles.  I figured I'd pop into W-M and see if they had them.  Surely they would have them.  They will... right?  No... my plan to go to the nearest store to get needles was foiled.  I had to drive all the way across town in rush-hour traffic.  Lovely.  Hobby Lobby did end up having DPNs... in sets of four.  I need five.  I wondered, "Surely the amount of people that knit things with five needles would necessitate the availability of sets of four and five needles at a craft store?"  Their only redeeming quality is that they are shiny and purple.  (And since they're metal, though not steel, I can pretend I'm like Laura and Mary from the Little House books.)  And I have three extras if I decide to bend one, since I had to get two sets.  Which I guess may not be a bad thing after all.  They're markedly heavier than the surinas I was using though - I know they weigh practically nothing, but I did notice it the minute I picked up the sock after switching out the needles.

traffic

Yes.  Traffic on the way back.  I really don't know what possessed me to take this shot, but I like it for some reason.  The street (or the cross street, but I think it's mine) is called Guatemala Street.  Tell me how weird that is.  I know there are streets (lots of them) named after countries and such, but it just seems incongruous in an area like this.  Maybe it's just me. 

Plus, since I am vain, I took a picture of me while in the car.  Excuse the thumb.

Thumb shot

It almost looks like a sock!

So, I managed to knit the heel and turn it - semi correctly.  The instructions confused me once I got to the heel, 'cause they weren't very clear about how many needles to use and on which to put the stitches.  I had thought I'd figured it out, but I managed to miss a stitch at the end... don't know how it happened.

Upon re-reading the instructions, I also figured out that I did the ribbing wrong.  I need to learn to read... but that's not a big deal.  I just did a variation on the ribbing, really.  You couldn't tell that was wrong unless you read the pattern.

Broken needle

However, I was very unsure that I was knitting the heel right, and it looked very long - too long.  So, I tried it on, remembering that I had read on Cookie's blog somewhere that she knew how to bend a metal needle... putting it on a foot model with a very high instep.  Did that stop me?  No.  It only snapped when I was trying to get it off.  But, luckily, it didn't break exactly in half, and one of the halves was big enough to continue knitting after a fashion.

This is why it's good to have a lot of needles - then I could just substitute one.  However, this is my only pair of small DPNs, so I will have had to go to the store and buy a new pair.  But that's not necessarily a bad thing either, since I need to get a smaller crochet hook anyway.  Watching an action movie and knitting at the same time will result in dropped stitches.  Too many.  The smallest hook I have disappeared down the couch, so I had to use an I hook, or 5.5mm - too big for sock sized stitches.

I would really love to be able to splurge on some sort of needle set, but I'm sure those are way out of my price range - but it would be really nice for situations like this.  And also for when I want to start a project that I find a pattern for on Ravelry, and I have the yarn, but I don't have the needles.  Very frustrating.

One advantage to never being able to sleep normal hours (despite best efforts) is that it leaves you with ample time to knit more.  (When the lover isn't home - he doesn't take to well to the very bright overhead light being turned on while he's sleeping.)  I am semi-trying to get these socks done for mom before she leaves on her trip.  And I say semi-trying, because I think, "It would be nice if I did!" but I know inside that it probably won't happen, since I think she leaves in a little over a week.  I'll probably have one sock done by then, since I'll have to take time to look up how to do the heel and graft the toe.  (Graft a toe?!)  But I do have 5 of the 6 repeats done as of this writing!  The heel is near!

It's also too bad that I wasn't browsing sock patterns/yarns more, because I've found a yarn called Denali from Pagewood Farms that would of course be fitting since it's Denali and I think that the Misty colorway would be a nice... Denali-ish color.  Maybe they could be a remembrance sock for the after-trip.  I wonder if I could send these to her mid-trip?

But, again, I'm getting ahead of myself - I'm planning all these wonderful sock projects, when I haven't even finished one sock, let alone a pair.  I'm worried that I'll have such a hard time with some aspect of the sock that I'll hate it and that entire section of knitting will be forever gone for me.

I feel the same way about the sweater, but I'll post about that when the yarn is here.

I'm writing this entry in the spirit of Post Secret, since that's where I would send it, if I could find a card to write it on:

I told my mom my secret today, when she asked if I had been sexually abused.  I had always avoided telling her before, but today I told her.

I told her because she told me how she had tried to cope with it - it hurt so much, I wanted to give her a reason for why.

It hurts more to know her secrets that it was to keep mine.

The conversation had turned very personal and emotional before she asked, and I was horrified by what she told me.  I think that it hurts more to know that you've hurt someone, especially someone that you care about so much, than to know how much someone else has hurt you.

I don't know what to do with all the information I'd been given.  It's easier to ignore how stupid I used to be, and much harder having to re-examine it and try to give a reason why.  I can't pinpoint a reason. 

I wish so much that I could live those years over, knowing what I know now.  For her and for me.

We also talked about how my life is going nowhere and how she feels sorry for me, more than anything.  She asked if being with Tyler was really so different from Adam - if the only difference is that I'm not scared and I don't cry everyday.  To me, that makes all the difference.  But if you take that away, and look at what I can and cannot do - am and am not doing for myself - it's the same. 

I'd brought up how important going back to school is before, and I stressed that I needed to do something with my life - that I didn't want to be a failure for the rest of my life.  I don't think that he understands how urgent this is.  I've hoped he would realize it on his own, but I almost feel like I need to give an ultimatum to get his attention.  I'm just worried that it'll go against me. 

That had nothing to do with the secret, but I had to get it out.  Even after only a few hours, all that was eating away at me, and I had to get it out.

It's so hard not to buy yarn that I "could use, someday, for some project - it's so pretty!"

Glacier

I made the mistake of subscribing to PurlSoho's newsletter, with goings-on, sales, new products, etc.  Every so often they send me e-mails full of beautiful new yarn that I would just love to have...  but, it costs money that I don't have in my yarn budget.  Even if it could be knitted into something soft and useful for me/Mom/Dad/Luis/Grandma/anyone. 

They had some beautiful new yarn from Blue Sky Alpacas, Skinny Cotton, and let me tell you, I was this close to buying a few skeins of it.  Who could resist that color?  They would have made beautiful fetchings for me, or a little sweater, or... the possibilities are endless. 

I half wonder if sometimes I don't want a yarn just to have it in my stash - to look at once in a while and admire the beauty of it, the softness.  Yes, I could think of all the things I could make out of it, but it's also nice just to have and look at.  Kind of like that yarn from Tilli Tomas that I talked about in the last post.  As the Yarn Harlot puts it, I want it for my "core stash" - to be looked at, but never touched.

Artyarns Silk Rhapsody color 105

I also have some yarn that I'd been saving for myself (for what, I don't exactly know, but again - it was one of those buys where it was so pretty I had to have it) that I think will be knit into a nice, light scarf for my Grandma.  She had gifted me the money to buy an iPhone for Christmas after everyone pretty much bullied me out of buying it with my birthday money.  (Long story - anyone remember reading that?) and even though I sent the prettiest thank you note, I don't feel like it was enough.  I love this damn phone.  So, what better than a nice soft scarf out of Artyarns Silk Rhapsody colorway 105, or a color I like to call Rose Garden?

Now that I've started the sock, and that it's going well, I've been going nuts lining up projects for myself.  And I do feel like I'm getting ahead of myself.  I had talked to my dad, and he wants me to knit my grandma in Mexico a cardigan and a scarf.  To which I said, "What?!" because why would anyone in Mexico (especially where my grandma lives) want something wooly to wear?  I would die if I wore a cardigan and a scarf down there.  But apparently, she does get cold sometimes, and he thinks she would like them.  Sure!  I'll knit them.  (Do I know how to knit a sweater?  Not yet.  But hey, hopefully it turns out ok.)  Dad also says he'd like a scarf, which I think is a little... B.S.  The man doesn't wear a hat in the winter, why would he wear a scarf?  "I don't wear a scarf because I don't have one to wear!"  Sure.  I'll throw one together.  In green, white and red stripes?  I'll try.  (I really think I'll cop out of that though - finding appropriately colored yarn to match the Mexican flag isn't easy.)  I bullied Luis into choosing colorways he liked for a pair of socks and a hat (probably neither of which will be worn, but as I told him, "It's the thought that counts, so choose a damn color.")

I haven't yet knitted anything for myself yet - in large part because the things that I want for myself require more skill than I think I have at the moment, or I don't think that the pattern will fit me.  So... I'm hanging back a little.  Although I do have my eyes on Blue Moon Fiber Arts' Oregon Red Clover Honey, possibly to be knitted into some Pembrokeshire socks for me.

It's just too bad I don't have anyone to talk to about all this knitting stuff - not just someone that could help me when I have questions or problems, but someone who wants to hear about it and actually has an interest.  There have been times when I've been proud enough of what I was doing that I wanted to share my triumph ("The cables worked!" - "This looks like it's supposed to!" - "I'm knitting a sock that looks like a sock!") or just acknowledge my progress.  My first impulse is to show my mom, but I can't, since she's in Colorado.  She would be the first person to care - she's crafty, she can appreciate the work I'm doing.  The other "motherly figure" (and I use that term loosely as it applies to our relationship) is Tyler's mother, but she could care less, since I've tried other times to show her.  I get a cursory look and some lame comment, and I'd rather not share at all than have that.  Tyler himself is subjected to my sharing of yarn and wool, and he does look (sometimes - if the game is up, I might not get him to look) but he'll always listen and be encouraging and care.  I need a knitting buddy so he doesn't bombarded by all this.

But enough knitterly chatter - I would like to take a moment to mention that right now (and since about 4 AM) it's been raining like Noah should have built his ark already.  It's a good thing this house is raised, we're going to need the distance between the house and the lake that's forming outside.

The only WoW-news of note is that I am now the proud owner of a Cobalt War Talbuk.  The grind wasn't as horrible as my rep grind for my kitty mount, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it might be.  Either way, I got Tyler to help out with some AOE grinding and I got them before his hastily-scheduled heroic Shattered Halls run.

That was certainly an adventure - and a humbling one at that.  I had just earlier that night been admiring how much mana I've managed to acquire, and then we step in that instance and all that just flew out the window.  Tyler had wanted to start getting badges to get some gear, and I guess coincidentally Shattered Halls had some good boots that could drop, so he chose that as a heroic, not knowing that it's one of the hardest heroics in the game.  We didn't know this until our guild leader came to help and said, "You've never run this on heroic?  You're in for a treat..."  Tyler had run it on normal the day before, and I hadn't ever run Shattered Halls.  What a way to learn.  Tyler died a lot, which I felt pretty bad about, but he was a little undergeared for the instance, and they hit pretty hard, so I was healing and healing with hardly any time for regen - and thank gawd I had made all those mana potions last week.  I had never had to drink so many potions in one instance.  Ever.  But we made pretty good time, I guess, since one guy got to turn in whatever quest you get from the gnome.  (Which we were told not to bother taking, since we wouldn't make it before the timer ran out.  And if we had taken it, we could have completed it.  Irony - no fun.)

Zul'Gurub is scheduled for tonight, and I'm pretty excited - I never got to run this in vanilla WoW, even though I heard so much about it from other people before the Burning Crusade came out.  It will also be my first real run with the guild as a whole, so that will be a little nerve wracking, but it should be fun.

After probably knitting in the wrong gauge (or just casting on too tightly) I've abandoned the Butterfly Hat, which made me very sad.  I'm in love with the yarn - Pure & Simple from Tilli Tomas in Deco Coral - which ended up being much more of a hot pink color than in the picture, unfortunately - but I still loved it, 'cause it was luxurious (100% silk) and not a color that I would usually get, so it was special.  I decided it would look pretty with the pattern, and was going to knit it for my Mom (since I decided that if she could wear a pink furry hat [whether as a joke or not, I don't know] she could wear this hat in a bright pink)

At any rate, that has been abandoned, and the yarn saved for something else, and I decided to take up my sock again.  I had decided to go through my rite of passage and start my first pair of socks - in a colorway that I'm not too particularly keen on, but they're being knitted for Mom, and these are more her colors.  I chose to knit the Monkey Sock pattern (since it's so popular, I guess it must be good) in Blue Moon Fiber Arts Socks That Rock (Mediumweight) in Lunasea.  And I was dragging, since I had a boring twisted rib for an inch... and it really just went so slowly, and when I decided to check, I was a little past an inch, so I got to start the lace pattern.  So much better!  Much more interesting and fun to knit.  I'm a little worried about doing the heel and grafting the toe... but hopefully I'll be competent enough to figure everything out alright.

Monkey 051408

I'm clearly feeling very black and white today.  (And yes, I do know the banner is funky.)  After almost more than a month of not writing, I'm inspired again, if only to write that I don't know what to do about my domain...  whether to keep it or write here.  Do I really need a domain?  Is what I write worth paying for hosting?  Most likely not.  (Very surely not, really.)

I miss writing - I used to write all the time, even if it was all mundane stuff, but it felt good.  All this time off and no writing has felt... no fun.  It feels like nothing has happened, which is why I haven't written, but did I get to share that I finished my mom's hat, which was my first project on double pointed needles, and also my first cabling project?  No.  I didn't get to be all proud of myself and show off pictures and preen.  (I do feel pretty awesome about it though)

Didn't write about hitting 70, didn't write about getting into the awesome raiding guild, didn't write about how I was in way over my head and that I'm really a casual at heart, didn't write about how I tried to explain to the guild leader that it wasn't for me and getting kicked from the guild for being honest (that one hurt), didn't write about getting into a new guild and how awesome it felt to not dread logging in everyday. 

Didn't write about the great last two days that Tyler and I have had - they've just felt so good.  I can't even pinpoint why, other than there was more closeness than usual, and feeling more happy than usual.  Whatever it is, I want more of it.

Hopefully, Mom will call today so I can confirm whether or not I'll be going up to Colorado to help out for a while at the theatre after she leaves for her trip.  I really want to go - it will be so good for me to get out of here, and do something.  It will feel good to be back in Colorado again, that's for sure.  It will be so nice to be in the nice new house, with so much light.  Tyler really isn't too keen on it, but this will be good for me.  And really, he may have to be gone on a trip anyway.  I could check out the yarn store I found out was in Grand Junction, go to the yarn shop in Glenwood and learn how to crochet...  endless possibilities!

I've pretty much faded away from the "online scene" - I've stopped going to all the usual haunts (twitter, forums, domains) and I kind of miss it.  I don't know what's been going on in people's lives, I haven't been communicating or socializing in any way.  I especially miss posting on forums.  Maybe I'll crawl out of my hermit shell and see the world again.